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  1. #11
    feline fine Noxid's Avatar
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    Alright, I read it. 20 pages, not too bad. Long enough for me to make and consume a quart of soup. It's a soup-sized story. But not just any soup, a big soup.
    soup.
    I don't know enough to give any real proper feedback (I haven't written anything non-technical since High School), but I can give some impressions

    I agree that it's definitely got novel-mode pacing. It makes for a good setup but if I were to treat it as a stand-alone novella I would have to say it lacks a certain feeling of closure. Like I missed the message, the theme, the big picture, etc.
    I guess it's just a bit open-ended for my tastes.
    The scene painting was pretty nice I definitely didn't have too much trouble imagining the environments, although I think some metaphor could've been sprinkled about to give it a bit more imaginitive-ness. But, perhaps that's not what you wanted, so I could understand choosing to exercise restraint with them from a narrative perspective. Also, I found the amount of product name-dropping to take me out of the moment. The specificity of it gave me kind of an "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way" vibe, ifyaknowwhatimean. Don't take that one too personally though, it wasn't THAT bad ;3
    It was also a bit odd to me when the narrative suddenly switched to account for Samira's perspective, as from the start I'd assumed it was Gregory's story and thus was being presented as "through his eyes", so to speak.

    The character of Frankie was a fun interlude and I think it definitely provided a nice relief from the somewhat, well, if not necessarily heavy then perhaps at least gravitationally gifted tone of the rest of the story

    I noticed the odd technical error here and there, but yknow I'm sure that's not what you're interested in hearing about. I'm not sure if the gratuitous use of hyphenation is your own doing or your software acting up on you, so I'll hold off on docking points on that. I think there were also a few points where sentences seemed to run a bit, and occasional comma abuse such as
    Samira sighed deeply, smile gone, shook her head, and proceeded up the hill, unimpeded by the wolf she left behind.

    That's four commas. And that's two too many to use.

    ---
    Okay, there's your critique. I'm afraid I don't have the knowledge or time available to go more in-depth, but yaknow, I tried. Where's my cookie.
    Last edited by Noxid; 08-21-2014 at 11:10 PM.

  2. #12
    Senior Gnarl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noxid View Post
    Alright, I read it. 20 pages, not too bad. Long enough for me to make and consume a quart of soup. It's a soup-sized story. But not just any soup, a big soup.
    soup.
    I don't know enough to give any real proper feedback (I haven't written anything non-technical since High School), but I can give some impressions

    I agree that it's definitely got novel-mode pacing. It makes for a good setup but if I were to treat it as a stand-alone novella I would have to say it lacks a certain feeling of closure. Like I missed the message, the theme, the big picture, etc.
    I guess it's just a bit open-ended for my tastes.
    The scene painting was pretty nice I definitely didn't have too much trouble imagining the environments, although I think some metaphor could've been sprinkled about to give it a bit more imaginitive-ness. But, perhaps that's not what you wanted, so I could understand choosing to exercise restraint with them from a narrative perspective. Also, I found the amount of product name-dropping to take me out of the moment. The specificity of it gave me kind of an "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way" vibe, ifyaknowwhatimean. Don't take that one too personally though, it wasn't THAT bad ;3
    It was also a bit odd to me when the narrative suddenly switched to account for Samira's perspective, as from the start I'd assumed it was Gregory's story and thus was being presented as "through his eyes", so to speak.

    The character of Frankie was a fun interlude and I think it definitely provided a nice relief from the somewhat, well, if not necessarily heavy then perhaps at least gravitationally gifted tone of the rest of the story

    I noticed the odd technical error here and there, but yknow I'm sure that's not what you're interested in hearing about. I'm not sure if the gratuitous use of hyphenation is your own doing or your software acting up on you, so I'll hold off on docking points on that. I think there were also a few points where sentences seemed to run a bit, and occasional comma abuse such as
    Samira sighed deeply, smile gone, shook her head, and proceeded up the hill, unimpeded by the wolf she left behind.

    That's four commas. And that's two too many to use.

    ---
    Okay, there's your critique. I'm afraid I don't have the knowledge or time available to go more in-depth, but yaknow, I tried. Where's my cookie.
    Nice job!!!
    here ya go... http://d.facdn.net/art/doggywolf67/1...of_cookies.jpg

  3. #13
    Junior Avaelon125's Avatar
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  4. #14
    feline fine Noxid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avaelon125 View Post
    I'm confused now. Noxid said I haven't put enough metaphor in (I hear ya, fixing it) and that my descriptions were lax while you said I've gone way too all-out on the descriptions. This is too much for me to handle! Argh! Just kidding. I'll look into it, although I am confused now.
    Well, different folks have different notions about what's the "right amount" of decoration
    I'll clarify that I defo don't think they need to be longer, just utilize a bit more abstract imagery sometimes to keep things fresh. But that's indicative of my own preferences, in some ways.


    as far as specific things, here are a few lines that stood out as I skimmed over it again
    - "Gregory took a seat by the bar and observed as a member of the staff ran fixed some toast." [ran fixed?]

    - "Unpacking can wait, as can declaring my major" [this line followed by Gregory's inferral that she was going to do it right away seems contradictory to me and caused a bit of confusion]

    - "she stopped him and wordlessly implemented a kind of inversion by helping him with his suitcase" ['implemented a kind of inversion' seems like odd phrasing to me]

  5. #15
    Junior Avaelon125's Avatar
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    The first mistake you've spotted is a typo on my part, and I've fixed it. I'll fix the second mistake outright. As for the third, how does 'She inverted the situation' sound?

  6. #16
    Senior Manna's Avatar
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    Generally if you want strangers to read your work, it's best to be short

    Try uploading your pieces chapter by chapter, connected by some code in the description (a "next" button!) instead of just uploading the entire thing

    when I open a written submission and see 10 000 words looking back I usually say "fuck that" and ollie outie

  7. #17
    feline fine Noxid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avaelon125 View Post
    The first mistake you've spotted is a typo on my part, and I've fixed it. I'll fix the second mistake outright. As for the third, how does 'She inverted the situation' sound?
    Yeah, I like that a lot better.

  8. #18
    Junior Avaelon125's Avatar
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    Good. I consider my work proof-read, and I'll credit you accordingly. Both of you. Thank you, Noxid, and thank you Gnarl. You've both helped me out immensely. I'll have the second part, also roughly 10k words in length, ready at some point in the future. Since I am on the move at the moment, expect it by say Friday next week.

    I'll see what sort of results I get from posting my work. Faves, comments, critiques, and so on.

    Edit: I've just posted the story in seven parts, each roughly 1.5k words in length. That should make them readable. Also, I kind-of sort-of carpet-bombed the front page. Sorry about that.
    Last edited by Avaelon125; 08-22-2014 at 03:27 PM. Reason: Story has been posted

  9. #19
    Regular Fibriel Solaer's Avatar
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    I don't have specific experience to know for certain, but I don't think any site that has erotica as an acceptable form of writing is going to have much attention for clean work. Not unless you are an absolutely amazing writer, at which point you could probably just get a publisher.

  10. #20
    Sadly you're on an art site.


    Someone can take a picture of a Dunkin Donuts napkin doodle that they spent maybe 10 minutes on, but some kind of epic that you put time and thought into will be lucky to get a thousand or so views tops. Most people have told me "oh you'll get more views if you collaborate with an artist and have them illustrate a scene", but guess what?

    The scene will have way more people viewing it... and if you put it as a thumbnail, you may get more views, but how many of those views were people who actually read rather than click on it, saw that it wasn't a pic, and hit "back".

 

 

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