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  Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.   Thread: Am I Being Used?

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    Senior Namba's Avatar
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    Am I Being Used?

    Last night I was talking to my mate about what I was going to get her for her anniversary / birthday, right? Now, bear in mind I had already spent a crapload on a little outing a couple of weeks ago... money I could have used to replace a quarter panel on my car since I got it smashed in by a deer that ran right in front of it several weeks ago. So yeah, after that, I order her gift that's, you know, not too pricey, but again I'm nearly always broke with all the expenses I have to take care so after that, I didn't even have money for food that week, but because I care about her and wanted to get her something nice, I went ahead and did that so it wouldn't take much longer than it already did, and I felt really bad it had to be so late but whatever. Well, she's strangely understanding about it so I'm like "okay, nothing to worry about."

    Then it hits me... I got nothing from her for our anniversary... at all. So, no big deal, I ask her if she has something planned and she's like "oh, yeah! I'm working on a badge for you!" and I'm like "okay, cool! No sweat, everything is dandy; probably forgot to let me know she was still working on it since she's busy with school and whatnot."

    Now, rewind back to several months ago... she had already spent $2500 on a Macbook for her graphic design class, not even counting how much it cost her to eventually get a printer because she "couldn't afford one right away" or something like that.

    Now fast-forward to now... I check my furry Facebook account (don't judge) and I see her newest status saying "Just got a quote from MoreFurLess! So excited!" or something to that effect, and here I'm thinking "oh, okay, so she must be looking into it to maybe invest in it later. Keep in mind that for the past couple of weeks she's been complaining about how she was struggling to pay for her classes and was stressed out because she couldn't afford everything she needed. Now, I know for a fact her grandparents are pretty wealthy and help her out whenever she needs it... she drives a 2010 Scion XB, has an expensive-ass computer, and doesn't have to pay insurance or rent like I do. So... when I ask her about the fursuit, she's like "oh yeah! I already paid in full, I just need to send in the measurements..."

    ...wait. What?? She says this and I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is really off about the whole situation, so I ask her straight up "how are you able to afford this, I thought you were broke?" To which she says "yeah, um... I just checked my bank account and I had more money than I initially thought, so I figured I'd go ahead and get it."

    And what do I get? A fucking drawing after I have treated her so many times and spent maybe a little under 2000 dollars on her to go have fun, all the while knowing she has more money than me but not really wanting to push it because I want to show her how much I care. I'm not as angry as I am alarmed about the whole situation, but I'm not going to lie, I am still angry. Here I am spending money I don't have on her, she's complaining about barely being able to pay for college, and she goes out and buys a fursuit? Something as impractical as that when she knows she could have used that for more college classes? And she doesn't even do payments! Oh no, she pays for it in full. I'm scared, guys. I'm looking at this and I'm thinking this relationship isn't going to hold itself together if I'm being treated like a personal vending machine and not getting anything in return for it. I know that sounds selfish, but I've had more than one person tell me "yeah, dude. You're being used." And when I try to confront her about serious matters she acts all pitiful and I feel bad so I just let it go, but I don't know if I can let this one slide. This is really disturbing to me. I don't want to break up with her, in fact I can see us together for years to come, but this one thing has got me miffed and a little hurt as well. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong for thinking this way. Another part of me is telling me I'm just being an asshole and I shouldn't be envious of her just because she has a better financial situation than I do and practically no responsibilities.

    *sigh* I love her so much, though. How do I talk to her about this?

  2. #2
    I may not be a relationship expert (Im lonely as heck) but after reading this I have the same impression that many of your buddies gave you. I feel youre certainly getting used. What you do is sweet and everything but it is really worth it to go bankrupt for a woman that it seems to have a higher status quo than you do?? (cause Im reading her case and damn shes lucky).

    I sincerely dont think is worth it but Im no one to judge your decisions on that point of view since I never had an adult relationship myself. Other people with more experience may tell you how to talk to her about this.

  3.   This is the last staff post in this thread.   #3
    Hey Namba... doesn't seem like it's been a good couple of week for you, huh? Sorry to hear man. I don't know her so I can't really make any statements in that regard, but I think you need to be direct with her about your expectations. You're expecting that she return the effort that you put in on your side of the relationship... and in this situation, that's actually completely fair. I generally tell people to just not expect anything from others and to do things for the inherent satisfaction of doing them, but from how you present this, things do seem quite unbalanced.

    So, don't jump ahead to the thought of breaking up right now, that's not a productive thought. If there's something serious between you two, you should be able to approach her on an equal level to have an open discussion about this. Holding it in and stewing about it is going to seep into your interactions with her, and you don't want that. Examine closely why you feel the way you do, and what it is you really want from her, then tell her what you've discovered. Not communicating properly has to be the biggest destroyer of relationships out there, and it's something I learned the hard way.

  4. #4
    Premium User Krespo's Avatar


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    Sounds like she just hasnt got a balls notion about money, being from a rich family. And neither do you if you spend money you dont have on her. Dont think you're being used though, think about what she got you: she made you something. Something personal from her heart to you.

    A part of love is giving selflessly, if you're angry you didnt get something of 'equal value' in return then maybe you need to readjust your outlook. My girlfriend made me a drawing and it's the sweetest, most wonderful present I've ever received.

  5. #5
    Senior Billy MT's Avatar
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    It really feels like she's taking your money for granted :/ But hey, if you can see you two together in years to come, then don't feel guilty about saving your money. Talk about with her, that you're facing some wallet tightness and can't afford any extra expenses for a good while. Her reaction to that will probably give you a clear answer to what to do next, hopefully a good outcome :3

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    Her perception of gift-giving vs self-giving may be skewed. Sounds like she grew up kind of spoiled. I have this issue, and it's pretty frustrating to overcome. I'm used to looking out solely for myself, because that's basically how I was raised. I wouldn't excuse her from all personal responsibility, but it doesn't really sound like she's doing it with conscious disregard.
    So I wouldn't really call it "being used."

    If you're caving in by spending money that you don't have on her, that is your own decision and your own fault. Stop doing that. If she digs herself into a hole, let her work herself out of it. She will need to learn this lesson eventually, and you're basically allowing her to get away with it.
    Gift-giving is nice, but it is not essential to the function of a relationship. And, if it is, maybe that's just a sign that things aren't meant to work out.
    I wouldn't break up just yet, but stop giving in to superfluous wants.

    Also, "keeping score" is just going to open up a whole other nest of problems. Worrying about your actual financial situation is one thing, but "I didn't get as much stuff as she did" just kind of seems like using the other party, in itself.
    As Loafy said, gift-giving should be done with the intent of making the other party happy, not with the assumption that you will get a return. That's called a "loan," not a gift.
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    Let me just address these things from my own perspective and opinion one at a time. Now I apologize in advance if I come across as being harsh, I assure you I only mean to be serious here.

    For starters, there's definitely money management issues here across the board. Believe me, I know the desire to want to spend money on your partner and not worry about yourself but that is absolutely not the way you should go and is a temptation you need to reign in. It may seem like a noble or selfless thing to do, but consider the following: What if your partner found out you were skipping on food? Can you imagine how guilty that might make someone feel? It doesn't make you appear in control of what's important. It sounds like she's used to relying on others financially, and soon that will include you too. This is a separate can of worms, but none-the-less it does not make you look like someone who can be relied upon to keep food in the house. I've learned the lesson about these priorities myself, and I hope you understand what I'm getting at here.

    Now her own spending habits are atrocious, I shouldn't even have to go into detail on this one. You need to seriously consider an avenue of approach here to serve as a wake-up call. You know her best, so it falls upon you to come up with the approach. It makes her seem very immature and untrustworthy. Maybe she didn't lie to you outright, but she obfuscated until cornered and when money is concerned that is not alright. Perhaps that kind of behavior could be supported all the way up for years...until she relies on you more and something happens that gets you hospitalized. If you're considering a real future with this woman, a bank account she doesn't have access to might be necessary to get the point across. Unfortunately if you're at that point there's already something wrong that needs to be worked out.

    Are you being used? No, but I do think your partner is very immature or shortsighted from this obviously tiny snippet of information that paints only the blurriest of pictures. I can only make assumptions you understand. I think what's really happening here is selfishness, short-sightedness, and immaturity. A lack of empathy and communication might be evident as well.

    On the topic of gift giving, yes it does not reflect well on you at all to be sore like this. Gifts to a lover should always be unconditional, done because you want to see the smile and nothing more. We do things for those we love because it makes our hearts swell with joy to see theirs so touched. That in itself should be reward enough. You say anniversary, have you already married this woman or are you doing it by years together in general? I suppose either way matters little, but it only returns to the point that the whole point is to show the other person that you remember and love them dearly. It matters not what the piece of mostly empty space is.

    On matters of confrontation, that's an entirely new thread of discussion. Maybe your communication between the two of you is poor, maybe she can't handle criticism, maybe your approach is poor, etc. The point is that if you end up having squabbles over material goods, there is something deeper that needs to be addressed.

  8. #8
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    Mmh, I think the situation isn't as bad as you though.
    You should discuss about this with her- if you live with someone, money is an important matter, and discussing too. If she breaks up with you for this, then she's an ass. I'm sure she's a nice person, so yeah, go ahead and talk. Maybe she's not even aware you don't have much money?

  9. #9
    That's me! Hewge's Avatar

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    Sounds kind of daft on both ends. Have a fist of iron, Lemur Man!

  10. #10
    Senior Willow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loafy View Post
    Sounds like she just hasnt got a balls notion about money, being from a rich family. And neither do you if you spend money you dont have on her. Dont think you're being used though, think about what she got you: she made you something. Something personal from her heart to you.
    Basically this. She has messed up priorities sure, but unless she's manipulating you into giving her money, she's not using you.

    If anything, you're bringing this all on yourself by willingly giving her stuff when you know you don't have the money or have more important things to take care of.

    Maybe you should tell her that you need to save your money and might not be able to give her nearly as much. Money and gift giving aren't the only things that go into a relationship.

 

 

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