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  1. #1
    Rattlesnake Flavored RedSavage's Avatar
    Weasyl
    RedSavage
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    Got a sec? Yeah you do, you're on Weasyl. Let's do a review.

    So I've got a story I'd like some direct feedback on. It's an edited first draft, in that most of what was originally put down still remains, but it's been combed for overt spelling and grammar issues.

    The story is called Loser, and it's a short about a man named Don, a semi-recovered drug addict trying to find balance with a new regiment of prescription drugs, rather than recreational. Yet, involved as he is by the lifestyle, he finds himself one morning hunting down some missing drug money.

    My only complaint towards the story on my own behalf is that I'm not sure that there's a definitive point to it all. I hint at a lot of things and follow trails of thought, but I'm not sure if I tied them up enough, or if I just added a bunch of distracting shit that takes from the story.

    If nothing else, it'd be nice to know if it's vaguely interesting as a read. Thanks for any time spent on it.

  2. #2
    Read it over a few minutes ago, and it's pretty great. Not sure what you mean by the story having a point, though. As far as the loose ends, I actually enjoy having things like that left incomplete. Sorta makes me more curious about and involved with the characters.

    I wasn't sure exactly what you wanted in a review, either. If you'd like an actual read-through with edits, I'd be happy to help. c:

  3. #3
    Retired Staff piņardilla's Avatar

    Weasyl
    pinardilla
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    Claims to be a porpoise.
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    The story isn't lacking much for plot, no need to worry that it's short on substance. Perhaps it's a bit meandering in the middle and could use a a little more rising action, but for the most part I think it just needs a trim. Your minor characters can be left a bit more flat to keep the pacing up without hurting the story.

    One reason it might feel like the story lacks punch is because it feels like Don already thinks of himself as a loser prior to his panic attack, so it's not much of a change. I'd consider rewriting him to be a bit more optimistic about having moved on from street drugs to prescriptions, and maybe use his friends' grody living conditions as a chance for self-reflection, in a "Boy, I used to be gross like this too, I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore" sort of way. Then, in the climax, it'd read more like an epiphany as he realizes he's not any less of a loser than he used to be.

    I did catch a few typos left too.
         
       
    Now,
              let's go play, together...
       
    Together under the
                     clearest of
    blue skies.

  4. #4
    I certainly like it (should be little surprise), but I'm feeling a little off by the ending. The last two substantial paragraphs leave me with a contradictory feeling, where Don seems to be more optimistic/positive as he's taking the prescribed pills than he does after their effects kick in. Maybe it's because he's more self aware during the latter, whereas when he's taking the pill he's just focused on calming down. I'm not very familiar with drugs, so that might be problematic for me. I suppose it's a bit in line with what Piņa is saying, though.

    Otherwise, your descriptions are great as always. After the final confrontation, my own heart was racing because I know the feeling very well. Quite an accurate portrayal.

  5. #5
    Rattlesnake Flavored RedSavage's Avatar
    Weasyl
    RedSavage
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