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TeenageAngst
12-06-2014, 03:48 AM
I've noticed this trend and I'm not sure if it's because it's actually common or because it looks odd so it just stands out. I didn't even notice it really until recently, but looking back, I've worked it into my writing quite a lot so I guess on some subconscious level I've been picking up on it. The age gap never made sense to me, why do younger women tend to be attracted to older men? For reference I'm talking like 8+ years between them, not necessarily a 20 year old dating a 50 year old. Although I did know a girl in her 20s who dated a guy in his 40s. There are the obvious reasons, like if the guy is loaded or famous or otherwise successful, but I've seen dudes with nothing going on pulling chicks way younger than they are. Certainly it isn't just gold-digging.

I guess I shouldn't be gender discriminatory either, as I've known younger dudes who've gone out with older women, but I get the impression it's for entirely different reasons. It's like they end up dating them on a fling and then just get comfortable, there's no expectations going into it. Women though it's like they're looking for some kind of stability right from the get-go and then one of two things happen; she either settles down with the guy or the novelty wears off for him and he breaks up with her. Either way there's always this weird daddy-complex going on that doesn't seem (as) present when the people are within like 5 years of each other. The craziest thing is these relationships also seem the most stable and drama-free. I can't tell if it's natural, like there's no contest for leadership due to age so things just work better, or if it's because one is more mature, so they know how to handle the drama that occurs more gracefully. Or maybe it's something entirely different.

Some people say "oh it's just for sex" but that doesn't really hold. I mean it does for the instances where the older dude gets bored and leaves, but that's the thing. If it was just about sex it would burn out rather quickly. That isn't to say sex isn't a factor, just the opposite, but that opens up a whole new can of wax, ball of fish, kettle of worms if you will. What exactly is sexually attractive about older guys? It seems to go against everything hard-wired into our biology; we want young, strong, healthy mates. Maybe there's some exotic allure, idk, some je ne sais quoi.

Maybe someone here has some insight. Maybe you've dated outside of your decade or are good friends with someone who did?

Kurk2288
12-06-2014, 06:52 AM
Some people do it as a "learning experience" or want a more "experienced partner".
It doesn't necessarily have to be sexual.

Other people have a kink for it I guess. "Age play", daddy & girl (or boy), shit like that.

I don't think "maturity" has a lot to do with it, but I could be mistaken. I think the age difference provides some people with a sense of security.- OR feeling that their older partner is less likely to cheat, or abuse them. Especially due to them having "more experience" and the whole "you're gonna die old & alone" if you don't settle down.

There's also the whole "power play" most people associate sex or relationships with. Generally the older partner(s) will be the "dominate" one(s) so to speak, and the younger one(s) "submissive". Which I guess ties in with the kinks & fetishes some people have. I'm sure you've heard of phrases like "top or bottom".
Hetero-normative, biological, traditional/cultural gender roles; "masculine(giving) - feminine (receiving)" etc etc etc. :whistling:

Then there's the whole "masculinity" thing, with older men being more masculine by virtue of "another year wiser (and another year richer)". Generally older guys will be more financially and emotionally stable vs younger men (competition). So their younger partners can rely on them, and don't have to worry about helping while they establish themselves (This also applies to some older females with younger partners).
This doesn't have to be about "gold digging", but getting basic needs (and goals) met.

Then lastly, there's people who genuinely don't care about age, or it's just not a huge or determining factor.
Other things are considered instead, like character, attractiveness, yadayadayadaa...

Melzi
12-06-2014, 03:19 PM
This is a great topic. But we have to look at the big picture.
Now is it a good or a bad thing? Could be either depending on what your intentions are.

I once met a man on Furcadia, just minding his own business in a low traffic dream I frequented. I bit the poor guy on the tail and immediately starting chatting about everything under the son: Food, siblings, pets, education and life goals. Rarely were the topics sexual. This conversation stretched on for months eventually leading to the question. Should we meet in person?
After arrangements, planning and a flight to Chattanooga there we were hugging awkwardly in the airport. We clicked just as we did in person.

Now I should probably tell you a little about ourselves just to tie this all together. I was a farm-raised tomboy, not interested in horses but tractors, cars, trains and just mucking around with the boys building forts and "hunting" the town dog. Luck enough I enrolled into a trade high school, that Ontario was experimenting with. Learning and loving construction, machining and welding. Not really a girl looking for a traditional relationship, or any at all.
Wolfe (let's call him) was interested in all the same things when he was a boy, but had a few more privileges like go carts, dirt bikes and cars. He tried to go into medical, before fainting in the morgue. Later to follow his dream of car mechanics, attending the School of Auto Machinists in Texas.

We spent our first visit relaxing and working on a few cars. Going out on a few hiking adventures and bowling. It was fantastic. When the time came that I had to leave we left huggin and on good terms, no intentions for the future. Friends, focusing on our own life goals. A year past where we had dated others our age only to be disappointed with every one. Just not finding the same connection.

I returned many times to Wolfe, each visit more in love. Helping him side by side grow his business from a one car garage to a 10,000SQfoot business while at the same time getting my welding certificates and working in Canada.

5 Years later certificates in hand and ready for the world we decided to get married. Life and our goals brought us together. We're married a year now and happier than ever.

Does age matter to us? No.
We are two souls only made for each other. Never able to find another that could compare to what we have.
Do I latch onto his earnings as a gold digger would? No.
I have as much knowledge and skill as he does, working just as hard to make money in our business. As well as buying and selling on the side.
Was it the age play, maturity, or power play. No
The poor man was less experienced than I and he'll tell you that.

I am one of those ladies that married an older man. Nine years separate us.
It depends on the individual why they are with an older man/woman. And until you hear that persons story, you don't know for sure.
To the outside eye, I am riding on his success. But to the people that know us, know we're a team. There for each other.

TeenageAngst
12-06-2014, 04:10 PM
Unfortunately, loathe as I am to use the term, I'm looking for the "sociological" explanation. Simply saying you clicked and fell in love isn't so much an explanation but an admission you really don't know why this otherwise strange dynamic is working. Happenstance doesn't account for the trend. Also, I guess I should be clearer, my definition of "gold digging" is much looser than most, essentially a gold digger to me is anyone who takes a relationship solely for the convenience of utilizing their partner's assets. Relying on their full time employed partner so they can go to college without having to work, for instance. This is why I'm discounting "money" as a reason since with those relationships it is both blindingly obvious and uninteresting.

When I mentioned maturity I was talking about maturity of character that comes with age, which *does* tend to lend itself towards creating a safer, more dependable relationship. The older guy is usually in charge and the younger girl is just naturally one peg down. However, I wouldn't call this "power play" I'd call it "normal" because it just reinforces the typical gender roles of the nuclear family by adding the fact the man now has about 8+ years of experience with whatever's coming down the line. It's hard to imagine a guy just getting the fuck off on the fact he's way more dominant than his significantly younger girlfriend. OOOooohhh yeah masculinity! Like maybe in homosexual relationships, I guess. I wouldn't even go so far as to call it dominate and submissive since both sides tend to be more competent in one thing or another. It's just there is a clearly defined center to the relationship that the older person is capable of providing.

Of course I could be completely wrong. Maybe older men just have some unidentifiable quality that just makes them more appealing. Some inner Harrison Ford that radiates to all the ladies. If I was to put my money on a reason though it'd probably be the experience/maturity thing. I don't find guys who are immature pulling younger women. Broke, yes. Physically unattractive, sometimes. But never immature.

Damian
12-06-2014, 06:08 PM
I think most of the time it really is about maturity and life experience. Older guys tend to have their shit together and planned out than guys who are in the adolescent age group. Though that's for certain age groups. For older women with much older guys, eh, gold diggers i'm willing to bet.

Kurk2288
12-06-2014, 09:22 PM
I'm not really in the mood to talk about sex, romance, gender or social dynamics, not really my forte either.
So this will be my last post. Also, I was using "power play" loosely and somewhat jokingly, and most men (specifically heterosexuals) don't "get off" on "dominance and Ooooh fuck yeah masculinity!".
I should of went into more specifics, but I don't have the time nor the will...

I don't think "maturity" is an important factor. I know plenty of immature guys in all age groups who can "land" a relationship with girls much younger than them (5 to 15 years). BUT most those don't really last anyways.
Maybe it's the stereotype of "age grants wisdom & maturity" at play, that proves me wrong though.

I think "experience" and the "time" men have had to accumulate wealth, status, strength or emotional stability (NOT maturity) is a stronger factor than "maturity", for obvious reasons. (One can be immature and emotionally stable)

I believe Hypergamy and a whole mess of other things are at play when people (generally women) choose older partners. As for the physically unattractive. Men in general, don't have to worry beauty or attractiveness as much as women do, because Mens' bodies and value is based on utility, or being "tools". E.g. hunter, worker, soldier, provider, protector. Which also ties in with poor or broke men. Despite being impoverish they can still be utilized or become useful.- A person that settles for a horse with out a saddle, can still use the horse.
(God that sounds so wrong on a predominately furry forum)

Anyways.
You generally don't see young men trying or chasing after older women, because their biological clock and "role" is running out. Where as with older men, their clock and "role" is reaching it's critical peak so to speak...

Then they all get weak, grow old, and die alone anyways.
(it's impossible to NOT die alone. How the fuck do you die together?)

Regardless of gender,
humans are social and sexual beings. We all want to belong and get our dicks & cunts wet.
We all fear death and pain and all that boring existential jibber jabber. (except me, maybe)

Melzi
12-06-2014, 10:22 PM
Let me sum this up, because I'm pretty sure that I said why I dated an older man in my previous post.

I dated him because he was the only one that encouraged me to pursue my field in the trades and my life goals.
When other men my age didn't care that I wanted to do a "mans job". Or they talked way to much about kids and settling down.
If you want to get down to it. The man didn't want to find a woman his own age, because most had already been married and had kids. He is just NOT into the whole "settling down" scene.

There wasn't really an age number to us. I wanted him cause he thought it was cool I did the car and welding thing and was independent, and I wanted him because he liked that in me, and never pressured me into doing something I didn't want, like have kids. (and he was cute. :P)
If you're looking for; I was with him because of the money so I could float by. Or I wanted here because she's sexy and young. Most of the time you'd be wrong.

As far as stereo types go.. I know a few that have dated older men or women because they haven't and can't figure out what they want to do in life. So they try to find someone more experienced so they can ride along (as a child would to a parent) until they find out who they are. That's just a personality flaw, the woman OR man may not be mature enough to handle themselves in a relationship in the same age, and then need to be carried.

Maybe.

TeenageAngst
12-06-2014, 11:37 PM
Melzi I'm not trying to imply that you hooked up with your mate for some foolish or superficial reason, I'm asking you to take a step back and look at the bigger picture so I can understand the underpinnings of the relationship from a more general perspective. What social forces were at work in your lives that made this the optimal solution? What helped it along as circumstances changed? You not wanting kids and him being okay with that throws a wrench in any physical reason as to why you'd be together. From what I can gather it sounds like a classic case of "good guys finish last" straight out of a Descendents song, so maybe that's it. If that is the case, it'd lend itself to you choosing to be with him out of a growing maturity on your part, which is *really* interesting to consider on a wider scale. That would imply that women, as they get more mature emotionally/mentally/what have you, come to value the traits inherent in older men. But that's just speculation. Speaking of Descendents songs, it makes me wonder how things will look for you two in 10 years.


I don't think "maturity" is an important factor. I know plenty of immature guys in all age groups who can "land" a relationship with girls much younger than them (5 to 15 years). BUT most those don't really last anyways.
Maybe it's the stereotype of "age grants wisdom & maturity" at play, that proves me wrong though.

I already addressed that though saying the superficial relationships don't last. I also don't think maturity and emotional stability are separable unless you have some weird kind of definition for maturity I'm not seeing. Actually I think you do cause you consider emotional stability and life experience as separate entities from maturity. Those are probably the two most significant factors. You can't be a mature individual while flying off the handle randomly and not having the experience to deal with life.

Still, I'm holding out hope for the inner Harrison Ford.

Kurk2288
12-07-2014, 12:19 AM
I was using the words mature and immature wrong, So Sorry.

When I hear "immature" it implies,-
acting silly, foolish, playing, indulgence, among other things, and not just "childish".

*Based on what I've heard from English speakers, a lot of things can be called immature.*
For example, some one who enjoys playing video games, or doesn't want to have kids or get married can be called "immature". Some one who avoids "responsibility". Being playful, kid like, giggly, etc. The same goes for people who play or joke too much.... All these can be called "immature".

When I said "One can be "immature" and be emotionally stable".
I was trying to distinguish those people from people that are *actually* "immature",
who react and cope to things poorly, like a child would.

(Which still applies to some of the "immature" guys I know)

I apologize for the confusion and hope this makes sense.

TeenageAngst
12-07-2014, 12:52 AM
Being emotionally stable means you're able to cope and react to things reasonably. Emotionally unstable people don't cope and react to things reasonably, they do just the opposite, hence why they're considered unstable with their emotions.

Gamedog
12-07-2014, 01:11 AM
$$$$ Get Laid Get Paid $$$$

That's what I'd do.

(In all honesty if its just like 8 years, it's because of the "maturity" aspect as previously mentioned)

TeenageAngst
12-07-2014, 02:25 AM
It seems we've reached a bit of a consensus, which is good because it conveniently matches my favored hypothesis. Although I'm still holding out for a psycho-babble post from one of our resident pretentious windbags (the hypocrisy is not lost don't worry). I'm not satisfied though, I want to hear more about people's relationships with significant age differences. The reasons, the tribulations, the questions. The standing in line at Panda Express getting weird glances from all the looky-loos who can't get over it. The "is that your dad?" line over and over. I need slices of life. My ulterior motive is mining info for my stories which have this dynamic going on, which is at least... three of them? One of which involves an older woman and two of which involve older men.

On a related note I also have to figure out why all my main characters are all in their 30s. I'm only 25 for gods sake.

Moogle
12-07-2014, 04:35 AM
I'm just gonna throw in my two cents about this based on how I feel, it may or may not apply for others - who knows! :x3:

I don't think older men judge as much where as I've always had the feeling males around my age are always just after the 'goods' and depending on how you look, they will ditch.. not caring so much about how you are on the inside than out. It's a terrible way to think, but it's always a thought at the back of my head (obviously I don't think this applies to every male, hell my best friend's a dude and he treats me very well xD). Security is also one too, they've had life experience and are pretty dependable. I guess being more respectful and wiser - though I think this about all genders; comes with age. :3

To sum it up, just generally nicer and more easy going to be around. :giggle:

TeenageAngst
12-07-2014, 05:09 AM
I did a google search about this subject and was swamped with the expected hemming and hawing from the tabloids. Men dating younger women is a mid life crisis. But that's not a bad thing, because as Mr. Regular and r4 maintain, it's just the reaffirmation of their commitment to life through a forthright attempt to appear fashionable. (http://stream1.gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/1445533_o.gif) Also women should date older men because they're loaded, don't have demanding jobs that you might actually have to support them through, and will "treat you like a lady." Cause if you get a younger man, you'll have to train him, and who wants to put effort into a relationship? Aw well, maybe they shouldn't, because another source says that men looking for younger women is sexist and disempowers older women, forcing the tired stereotype that women who don't look young and sexy are of no value or sexually invisible. Really, the entire thing is just both sides smiling with daggers behind their backs. It's a small wonder the people writing this shit are still single in their 30s to begin with. It also makes me realize that random people on a furry internet forum have more insightful commentary on this subject than paid journalists o_o

Moogle it sounds like you have some insecurities regarding how men perceive you and you find older men abate this. Extrapolating from this, I can see why a lot of women would be at ease with someone they feel is going to be in it for the "whole package" right out of the gate. From personal experience though I also find this a little hypocritical since every woman I've been with has tried to jump my bones the first night and quickly get bored when they realize I'm not a rutting dog. That being said this is to ascertain the the reason for the attraction, not judge anyone on their actual follow through. Plus in modern culture I think there's a lot of pressure for girls to be sexually active to the point it becomes a defining characteristic of the relationship.

Maybe there in lies the answer, women in their early 20s start to realize relationships are deeper than just putting out and holding hands and are inherently drawn to men who look for qualities beyond "will she fuck me?"