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RedSavage
01-15-2014, 03:24 AM
So--I wanna get this writing community a kick in the ass and get it rolling. So I feel like doing nothing but that tomorrow on my day off.

That said--Bring me your stories to critique. In terms of what experience I have on my end, I've been writing for about five or so years now. Not much by a long stretch, but in that time I've completed a book, a handful of short stories, and other non-consequentials. More so, I've been reading and critiquing both writing and webcomic work for even longer. I go for a blend of semi-objective and subjective. I try to find what you're going for in the piece and then read and review it as such. While I won't be outright rude, I will be blunt and honest.

I do try to tell you what you did right though, in almost equal shares. I don't believe in the whole "only negative" review stuff merely because it's always nice to know what strengths you do have as a writer. It's good to play on those.

So that said--bring me your stories. I will send the review to you all privately, but could also post it here too if you don't mind. Maybe get others reading and talking about your work--yeah? Or at the very least, get people to read your work and call me out on any bullshit I might have pulled in my critique.

Now no more waiting. I'll be back to see what's up. Give me both time and room to give a review. So no paragraph long stories. No buggery about 'when do I get my review' etc. I'll do what I can cause I want to get to know a lot of you and your writing. It can say a lot.

Matt
01-15-2014, 05:04 AM
https://www.weasyl.com/submission/230514/detachment-chapter-1

Sure, dude. I'd appreciate it. I know this story has strong character flaws early on, and a few glaring typos that need address, so I don't want to insult your time if you're forced to retain faith through some stupid shit.

But it'd be cool if you'd check it out. If you're against typos, give me some time to unscramble and I'll reupload.

Matt Conner
01-15-2014, 06:12 AM
I promise I'll have you critique a story of mine after I write one! I have been role playing for years now and its done wonders for my writing skills, but I'll need your help to shake off some bad habits I've probably developed from posting chunks of a story a paragraph at a time based on information from the previous paragraph, yaknow?

Rory
01-15-2014, 05:43 PM
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6065428/

Prologue to a story that I have a few chapters of. I wrote this a few years back, before my writing really took a turn for the better during the last two years of university. Still, it was my first attempt at world creation, and constructive feedback is never a bad thing. I'm fine with it being public.

Fay V
01-15-2014, 06:05 PM
I'd like to see more writing support on the forum so I'll bite.

https://www.weasyl.com/submission/244338/memory
https://www.weasyl.com/submission/230292/unnamed-story

both are extremely short one offs to get my into the practice of writing again.

Feel free to critique publically

RedSavage
01-16-2014, 12:29 AM
Good deal good deal.
Matt I've read your story. Nicely done. I'll be sending you a thing tomorrow on it. As for the rest, well. I'll be back, as the say.

Matt
01-16-2014, 12:53 AM
Good deal good deal.
Matt I've read your story. Nicely done. I'll be sending you a thing tomorrow on it. As for the rest, well. I'll be back, as the say.

Thank you for the time, dude. I've no reservations with you posting it here if you don't. I agree with Fay in trying to get the whole public critiquing thing going in this forum.

Zeitzbach
01-16-2014, 04:14 AM
Might as well give it a try then!

https://www.weasyl.com/submission/314199/ahntrolan-gine-intermission-1-furniture

Feel free to post it right here so other new (and bad) writers like me can just pick up additional tips if needed right away.

And I guess I might as well take a look around at the vets' as well.

RedSavage
01-16-2014, 03:27 PM
Detachment

Detachment is the kind of story that raises more questions than answers and it's perfectly okay. It's heavy on humor and surrealism, and in the same sense it works because from the start it's obvious--this is a strange tale of a strange man. A man who should be dead, but woke up. The writing style I'd compare to Douglas Adam's work, only in the sense of utterly illogical characters being put up against a being of normalcy. I love the beginning interaction because just when it ends I'm left thinking okay--now to get a sane person who's inside the loop. Let's meet this doctor. And then I'm left with another character who's just as, if not more, certifiably insane than the protagonist.

In terms of character and setting--there could be a bit more, and it's apparent you can see that. In my completely semi-educated opinion, I'd like to see more words given to visceral description of the going ons. Like, the chair he's sitting in near the end. In the end--I don't even really know what the chair looks like. It's just a chair.

This is a borderline black-comedy--or camp horror type stuff. Painkillers and alcohol for anesthesia. A sadistic and manipulative doctor meeting in the back alley. And what the Christ is a bidoof? Mysterious and dark things--so let's throw some shadows on the wall. Chips in the paint. Dedicate some words to setting the atmosphere, which at best seems dreary interspersed with interesting bits of insanity. Same with the characters. Seems like I'm really in the moment one hundred percent of the time. Good, but balance it out with some descriptive parts to give us a better idea of the Who and the Where.

Other than that... keep at it. You're dialogue is realistic and interesting. Pacing is great overall. And more importantly, I'm interested and want to know what's going on. You got a good hook and it works. In terms of spelling and grammar--eh nothing I could see. You seem to know how to write in the basic sense, so good on ya. Good grammar and spelling is like having a good toolbox.

Matt
01-16-2014, 04:08 PM
Detachment is the kind of story that raises more questions than answers and it's perfectly okay. It's heavy on humor and surrealism, and in the same sense it works because from the start it's obvious--this is a strange tale of a strange man. A man who should be dead, but woke up. The writing style I'd compare to Douglas Adam's work, only in the sense of utterly illogical characters being put up against a being of normalcy. I love the beginning interaction because just when it ends I'm left thinking okay--now to get a sane person who's inside the loop. Let's meet this doctor. And then I'm left with another character who's just as, if not more, certifiably insane than the protagonist.

In terms of character and setting--there could be a bit more, and it's apparent you can see that. In my completely semi-educated opinion, I'd like to see more words given to visceral description of the going ons. Like, the chair he's sitting in near the end. In the end--I don't even really know what the chair looks like. It's just a chair.

This is a borderline black-comedy--or camp horror type stuff. Painkillers and alcohol for anesthesia. A sadistic and manipulative doctor meeting in the back alley. And what the Christ is a bidoof? Mysterious and dark things--so let's throw some shadows on the wall. Chips in the paint. Dedicate some words to setting the atmosphere, which at best seems dreary interspersed with interesting bits of insanity. Same with the characters. Seems like I'm really in the moment one hundred percent of the time. Good, but balance it out with some descriptive parts to give us a better idea of the Who and the Where.

Other than that... keep at it. You're dialogue is realistic and interesting. Pacing is great overall. And more importantly, I'm interested and want to know what's going on. You got a good hook and it works. In terms of spelling and grammar--eh nothing I could see. You seem to know how to write in the basic sense, so good on ya. Good grammar and spelling is like having a good toolbox.

Wow. Thanks a ton, dude. That's, without a doubt, the nicest thing anyone's said about any of the stuff I've written. And pacing is kind of thing I end up focusing on the most, so I'm glad that's not been wasted effort.

And I know you're completely right on the need for more setting/descriptive stuff, though. There's basically none. I'm just not sure how to do it well, so I tend to avoid it, and that is the opposite of what I should be doing. It's also a little less fun for me, but that's not an excuse. The second chapter is gonna start off with some more heavy descriptiony stuff, so maybe I can roll with it more there in general

Thank you for taking the time to review it, dude. It's massively appreciated. And thanks for starting this thread up. Hopefully everyone gets as much out of it as me.

RedSavage
01-16-2014, 04:26 PM
And I know you're completely right on the need for more setting/descriptive stuff, though. There's basically none. I'm just not sure how to do it well, so I tend to avoid it, and that is the opposite of what I should be doing. It's also a little less fun for me, but that's not an excuse. The second chapter is gonna start off with some more heavy descriptiony stuff, so maybe I can roll with it more there in general


What I've found works is not to necessarily describe the things, but the things about them. Don't say that the parking lot was dark--say it was littered with shadows and dead light. Describe in the Third Person what the character is seeing. So--how would they describe it? Probably with certain types of words and pace. A bitter character is going to use hard and depressing descriptions, while someone who might be off-the-rails a bit might describe something with a certain beauty that we can't understand. This also goes far to set the tone of writing.

Also keep in mind that it is something better and (to an extent, easier) to just describe enough to get the reader to start thinking. Our own imaginations are infinitely more powerful in terms of imagery, so it's better to play on that rather than describing the house brick by brick.

Matt
01-16-2014, 04:36 PM
What I've found works is not to necessarily describe the things, but the things about them. Don't say that the parking lot was dark--say it was littered with shadows and dead light. Describe in the Third Person what the character is seeing. So--how would they describe it? Probably with certain types of words and pace. A bitter character is going to use hard and depressing descriptions, while someone who might be off-the-rails a bit might describe something with a certain beauty that we can understand. This also goes far to set the tone of writing.

Also keep in mind that it is something better and (to an extent, easier) to just describe enough to get the reader to start thinking. Our own imaginations are infinitely more powerful in terms of imagery, so it's better to play on that rather than describing the house brick by brick.

Awesome advice. I'll take that to heart. Thanks again, man.

RedSavage
01-16-2014, 05:36 PM
The Wingless

World building. I'd be a liar and half if I didn't say I'm all over that as a big fan. It's a challenge in that most alternate worlds, if nothing else, need to be feasible to read well. But on the same note, it has to be different enough that one doesn't merely accept it as a painted over version of our reality. The way people interact and go about themselves through dialogue and action reveal this to us as we go.

That said, The Wingless has both strengths and weaknesses in this area. One one hand, the world is fascinating. Air ships have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, and the notion of an alternate Earth that has fallen apart slightly, to the point of having significant floating land masses--that's a damn good premise. Some of the sociopolitical kismet that comes along with such a premise is exciting as well, harkening back to history lessons of the US, French, and other significant revolutions.

However, it's all given away in far too large chunks. The prologue was a long explanatory bit, and it would be far more interesting to see ALL of that dropped piece by piece as it becomes relevant. In fact you don't need that prologue. It's mentioned that the attitude of the sky dwelling individuals that they should be independent because they built their society without the assistance of the beings on the ground--awesome. That's good detail. But, I'd like to hear that from the source. I'd like to hear it as explained by the story, rather than the narrator. It's the old adage of "Show don't tell", but I won't hark on that because it's a basic rule all writers struggle with. Tell it through the looking glass.

What I can outright say this story needs is a sense of cohesiveness between the chapters. You seem fond of opening a chapter with a bit of an introductory bit--a recap or an explanation of what happened 'last episode'. Don't fall to this. We don't recap the last sentence before the next one, nor do we recap our paragraphs. So--chapters should be no different. It's just a shift in the story direction, which hasn't quite happened yet. The story is only starting.

That said, take your time with some of these scenes. The opening air ship altercation was incredible, and I was getting into it deeper than a cave diver. But then it ended abruptly and FAR too soon. I wanted to SEE and HEAR the fiery, crashing hulk of a torn and splintered air ship tumbling down through the heavens with a screaming crew still on board. So slow things down. Build tension and THEN unleash the action. For instance, the captain of the Deception might instead be more suspicious of the ship. Thrown off by the fact that it's a civilian ship, yes, but still determined. Approach with caution. Send out the hailing flags. Pulls up broadside. Describe the exterior of the ship. The jutting canons. The people on the deck, slightly confused, nervous at being hailed with guns drawn.

And once you can nail that aspect, balancing the world building and the immediate action, it'll all work out. Avoid long explanatory paragraphs or even dialogues that come off as plot serving (Salem's log entry, for instance. He's saying lots of things to the log entry that most anyone wouldn't bother explaining. Log entries, as they are, usually capture what is foremost on an individual's mind. The present. Not backstory). And give us some hard, explosive descriptions to match the tale. You've got an interesting ensemble cast of characters. Be careful not to make them archetypes of their characters, give them meaning outside how they come off as. Salem can either be the most interesting side character in your story--or the most aggravating to read, depending on how you portray him from here on out. Remember, he still is technically soldier, so don't let his erratic behavior get too whimsical or distracting. He's there for the job.

Outside of that, and despite the fact that I went on for a bit, I truly do love it so far. You have such a solid foundation for a story, interesting characters, and an intriguing twist that clearly sets the course of the story--and all in the first chapter of reading. You really can't really ask for too much outside of that, except the story and stylistic specifics of it all. And it seems like that's all you need a bit of at this point.

So props. I want to see more. Also upload this to Weasyl, ya schmuck. I want to follow it on here if you don't mind.

Rory
01-16-2014, 05:57 PM
From my message back, just so others can see:

I laughed so hard at your last little bit there, thanks for that. So rarely do I hear that word outside family and the northeast. Before I upload The Wingless to Weasyl, I will go through with some of your recommendations and apply what I've learned over the past 2+ years (this was written before I was even a junior in college). You're dead right on everything you say, I have no arguments and I think your recommendations will really help me out. In fact, I was thinking about retooling a few of the concepts (a few characters and such, nothing major) to match more of my current interests and motivations, which I think would actually strengthen the story as well. I definitely fell into the trap of trying to recap and explaining things outright too much, I'm glad you pointed those out. I suppose if anything, that shows my amateur level of storybuilding, but we all start somewhere right?

I'd easily have written far more for this story had I not stupidly signed up for two concurrent Classics courses that first junior semester, but the professor was well worth it and tore apart my writing at every chance to make me better. Ah well, maybe it's time to give it new life and just treat it as good practice for future endeavors. Please, absolutely go ahead and post this up in your thread. I'm really glad people are responding to your call. Now, if I could just get the musicians of the site to do the same...

RedSavage
01-18-2014, 04:23 AM
I'd like to see more writing support on the forum so I'll bite.

https://www.weasyl.com/submission/244338/memory
https://www.weasyl.com/submission/230292/unnamed-story

both are extremely short one offs to get my into the practice of writing again.

Feel free to critique publically

As these are just exercise, this will be less critique and more light commentary of the things I liked and didn't. So less about story in particular and more about the form. (Also, might see what you can do about fixing up the formatting. )

First a bit on Memory.

The first thing I notice is how easy I jump into the writing and start reading. You have an audible voice, so to speak, that's readable and easy to follow. Some people get too caught up in trying to force the style of writing.

That said, the second thing I do notice is a few -ing and other half-way verbs or helper verbs. Instead of "I'm not complaining, of course, it was a simple job--", I might think to use "I don't complain, of course, it's a simple job--" Just this little shuffling of the verbs and tense creates a more active reading sentence. And that's what you want to look for. Active sentences. Bad: He was running. Good: He ran. They say the same thing, imply that it happened in the past, and look! You saved a word. That's always good.

That said the premise and execution of the story is interesting! I'm left wondering and that's a good thing. Is the man literally going back? Or is he, in some way, remembering his past as being told through someone he remembered? Or is he just a whimsical fellow?

More so, what was the moment? I thought it might be the simple interaction between the narrator and the man. It's a nice moment and interaction. I could see that as being one interpretation. So, since it's obvious you know how to leave some things ambiguous, we can do away with blanket setups like "...had to be the funniest, most creative man I had ever met and it all started with taking his order." I don't think I need to point this out too much. Only set something up like this if it's to be effective in a specific way. Not to merely set up the scene and this goes for a lot of things. (I won't say all--because writing is never absolute.)

Your dialogue is also pretty good, but it could do with a few more social cues to follow us along. If you're goin' minimalist, al-la Hills Like White Elephants style, then just one or two would do. Something to lead and make us think a bit. Even if it's as simple as "he sighed" or "I blinked." Just make them relevant.

Now, as for [Untitled].

I'll be honest, I was moved in a big, but quiet way. A somber moment. No, we don't think of these things. No, we don't think of our life in terms of the after--as in looking back on an old football game, wondering what you could have done to get that state championship touchdown. That kind of feeling--but for the entirety of a whole life.

Think of that weight. That's what your getting at in this little bit. The weight of wondering how or even if it was supposed to measure up in the end. The only person, in the end, that you can let down is yourself. You really bring it into words.

So my idea would be to maybe expand this. What are the things she remembers? Obviously you can't go into a life long narrative, but I can think that maybe there were certain pivotal points that could be brought up. Let's hear about these forgotten dreams. Let's see the forgotten friends, even. Let's see the wreckage of the burned bridges.

And that's my two cents worth. Great stuff, plenty of room for expansion. And I wonder... maybe the two stories could be connected in some abstract way... This literally has nothing to do with anything I picked up on in your writings, but a passing idea I figured wouldn't hurt to pass on in the spirit of exercise.

Okay. Uh. NEXT.

Fay V
01-18-2014, 04:37 AM
Thanks, the commentary is actually really helpful and I intend to go back and play with them a bit more, particularly the memory one.

The idea that started it was basically "How would a time traveler deal with grief?" considering they could actually go back and see the most important moments again. To let the cat out of the bag, my intention was that he's going back in time to the moment right before he would meet his wife for the first time. Anything in particular you could think of to help bring this across without making it too obvious?

RedSavage
01-18-2014, 01:14 PM
Thanks, the commentary is actually really helpful and I intend to go back and play with them a bit more, particularly the memory one.

The idea that started it was basically "How would a time traveler deal with grief?" considering they could actually go back and see the most important moments again. To let the cat out of the bag, my intention was that he's going back in time to the moment right before he would meet his wife for the first time. Anything in particular you could think of to help bring this across without making it too obvious?

Aha! I knew the sudden arrival of the fellow at the bottom meant something. I couldn't place it in any apparent meaning at the time, though. I think that had something to do with the sudden departure of the old man, just barely over lapping with the arrival of his younger self. And with that context in mine, well, the mentions of a ceremony make a bit more sense too.

That said, I'm not sure of anything too specific to make this more clear. Perhaps make their time overlap just a bit more. Or add in a funny detail that jutts out... like maybe that the old fellow holds the door open a bit too long, as if expecting someone to walk around the corner. Or something in that light. Just... inconsistent.

You can go about it one of two ways. You can slide this moment (or moments) in near the middle or beginning. Or you can save it for the end and give the reader a wrenching whoa moment when all these pieces fall in. Suddenly, the 'ceremony' makes sense. And now the old man isn't speaking nonsense about physics anymore. Here's his younger self walking in with the books. You have a decent setup for the latter, I think. Just again, more expansion in certain areas to carry it forward and spread out all these little clues.

The best kind of twist is like a puzzle that only forms a picture when the last piece is dropped in. Or something to that effect.

TheLexicon
01-22-2014, 01:52 AM
Do you still do this? Because I have a crappy short story that I'd like some feedback on.

RedSavage
01-22-2014, 08:39 PM
Do you still do this? Because I have a crappy short story that I'd like some feedback on.

Eeeeyup.

Also, Zeitzbach, I've read your bit and am pulling together a response. Been busy with work, but it's being done. :B

Zeitzbach
01-22-2014, 11:48 PM
Eeeeyup.

Also, Zeitzbach, I've read your bit and am pulling together a response. Been busy with work, but it's being done. :B

Ish kay, take your time.

I'm having fun reading some of the works here just to get some ideas and to make it easier to understand everything you reviewed.

So many of those "I did see it coming but it still gave me an oomph" here like in "Memory". You can kind of predict it the moment they mention their names but you still get the feel at the end. You can kind of guess what happen afterward there.

But then it makes me smile when I start thinking

"Imagine if there's another line with Kate saying "So, Chris Von Karma, what would you like for today?"

"Wait, that's not Christopher? Aw dammit"

Reading a lot really is required if you want to troll the readers.

RedSavage
01-30-2014, 02:33 AM
Ahntrolan - Gine - Intermission 1 - Furniture

Alright, so what we've got here is an intro to a story with a lot of detail--but not a whole lot happening quite yet. Just a lead in. But this in itself is not a bad thing, but it has to be handled in a way that sets it up. The goal here, as it seems to me, is to set up a series of vignettes of each of the characters in a way that establishes their character. Third person is fun like that. Yet, what we need are thorough, as well as interesting scenes that reveals something unique about the character. Maybe reveal something about them that becomes relevant later. Get in the head of the character and write it from the third as if it's in their voice.

Think up a few scenes that establish some of the characters, and this will stick them in our head better than a list of who is who. That said, the set up in interesting--and fun! There's potential for interesting ensemble cast interaction that some people seem to avoid. Really play on that and give the characters a chance to grow with each other. Once you hone in on that, and smooth out some of the details, you can create an interesting and believable setting. Loosening up the dialogue will go a long way as well. Try not to explicitly state plot details. Make the conversation natural, flowing with all the randomness every day conversation does.

All in all, something that could be expanded a bit, but has some really decent framework for an fun story about some interstellar folk on some killer adventures.

Icky
01-30-2014, 03:49 AM
Alright, I'll bite. We've been doing some exercises in my creative writing class, which relit my writing flame of sorts. I've done two character sketches so far, of somebody I want to use in the full-length short story I'm gonna write soon. So...if there's any huge holes or issues in the character, knowing now would be great c:

This first one (https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3qH3JZFUFc6akczQi1BQXFkTTA/edit?usp=sharing) is us having a bonding conversation with our character. It doesn't really go well.

And the second one (https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3qH3JZFUFc6VUhTNWdxNG1KQ2c/edit?usp=sharing) is an exercise in dialogue by getting the character in an argument. Granted, because of the circumstances, he doesn't talk much, but ...whatever, that one was written when I was sleepy.

TheLexicon
01-30-2014, 05:22 PM
Right, my short story is so bad it's not worth remarking on. Sorry for wasting your time; I understand you could use the time for better purposes.

It just occurred to me how petulant this post made me sound. Honestly, you don't have to critique it or anything. Everyone else seems to think it's a waste of time, so I'm simply warning you in advance, so that you don't make the same mistake.

Zeitzbach
01-30-2014, 10:20 PM
Actions speak louder than word eh. I should be able to do that.

Thanks. Gonna go crazy with the first chapter then.

RedSavage
01-31-2014, 01:52 PM
Zenith of Chlqx: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Zenith-of-Chlqx-428560351

Right, my short story is so bad it's not worth remarking on. Sorry for wasting your time; I understand you could use the time for better purposes.
It just occurred to me how petulant this post made me sound. Honestly, you don't have to critique it or anything. Everyone else seems to think it's a waste of time, so I'm simply warning you in advance, so that you don't make the same mistake.

Right, man I'll be honest I simply missed your story as your comment caught the end of the page. I will be reviewing it in good faith.

But let me take a moment to address your attitude. First off--don't take any of this to heart. I'm not put-off, annoyed, or inconvenienced in the slightest. In fact, I want to impart upon you that it's okay to sometimes feel ill or mal towards one's writing--but when you allow it to bring you down and prevent yourself to come forward in asking for review and critique in a confident manner, it becomes an issue.

Don't feel bad about that either.

Writing can be a very difficult thing to improve upon, which means everyone to an extent writes badly at one point. Everyone gets a brutal review in which every corner of the work is lampooned and ridiculed. Maybe not in the literal sense, but it certainly feels like it when you've put something down you thought was readable in a universal sense. Artists have a half-step advantage in that they can take one glance and compare it to other things visually in a relatively short amount of time (as for fixing it and making it look right--different story). Writers have to read to know how to write. This takes time. Writing takes time. And then having others read it takes more time. And then editing it is another process entirely.

Writing can finitely differ from art in that most lit works are never done. Yes, they may be published, but even then, writers have been known to change and edit a story in subsequent editions. And if you ever write something that you're completely satisfied with on first run--you've either done something horribly wrong or have stagnated as a writer.

So... what am I getting at?

Don't see writing as a cycle of creating a completed work and having it judged in terms of "is it worth it". See writing as a process of change that never really stops. Feel completely confident in bringing forth a work to be slaughtered at the review block. A frame engineer for cars doesn't weep when his work gets wrecked during testing, he rejoices at the sections that held and makes note of tears and weaknesses elsewhere.

I'm rambling, but I think you got the point. No work read is ever a waste of time. No matter how much a story is ripped on, there's great potential of an idea buried within. Don't feel nervous, but instead look forward to having errors pointed out. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if you forgot a lug nut on your tire? Just remember that no matter how personally invested in a work you are, don't take the critique personally.


That said, it'll probably be until next week before I can get deep into the story. Same with Icky's stories. Weekend is just a word to me--work calls.


Actions speak louder than word eh. I should be able to do that.

Thanks. Gonna go crazy with the first chapter then.

Definitely. But more so, it's the difference between passive and active narration and descriptions.

Passive: John was angry and his hands began to shake.
Active: Johns hands shook with anger.

In other words, keep your verbs active. "Was sick" possesses less punch than "Sickened".

TheLexicon
02-01-2014, 06:57 AM
That was an awesome post. Sadly, that short story is most likely the best thing I ever wrote, and I'm practically incapable of a few aspects of writing that I need to know in order to be even mediocre at writing. So I'm going to love this and all potential future reviews.

Red
02-08-2014, 07:50 PM
Arriving a bit late to the party, but I'm in a cheeky mood and want to bug someone before going to bed ♪

Been working on setting up this story for the past year and only got around writing the stuff. I've got the following prologue and first chapter written down in French and only got around to translate the former in English, so I only got this to show off right now. And before continuing with my writing, I want to get as much feedback as possible to adjust my writing and put out the best thing possible.

https://www.weasyl.com/submission/458056/the-many-lives-of-leo-davis-prologue

Be honest, be brutal if need be, I won't mind ♫

DragonMasterX
02-21-2014, 10:25 AM
Do you mind reading about macrophilia? I have a silly story that could use a review, especially on the characters. x:

Lesse...

https://www.weasyl.com/submission/392441/overcoming-the-average

Tear it apart!

RedSavage
02-24-2014, 01:31 AM
Okay--Haven't forgotten the thread. It's been a literal matter of time. However, I'm almost caught up... So I should have some spare time soon.

irick
02-24-2014, 04:27 AM
I've got a few. These are mostly navel gazing character studies, I'll admit... but... :

Introspection in a Text File ('http://d.facdn.net/art/irick/stories/1381866458.irick_introspectioninatextfile.pdf') (my LaTeX Typesetting practice piece/ character study)
Role Rehersal ('https://www.weasyl.com/submission/242523/role-rehersal') More character study
Unnamed ('https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/8258746/Documents/ItaIntro.odt') WIP, an attempt at more narrative driven events rather than a character study.

On an aside, do let me know if the LaTeX typeset one seems any more readable to you. I'm currently weighing the investment in learning the language in terms of finished product. Here is just a plain ol submission (https://www.weasyl.com/submission/241771/introspection-in-a-log-file) of that story on Weasyl.