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Amarune
06-06-2013, 11:19 PM
Alright, I know there's a thread for WIP's and Critiques on the General arts board, however it seems to me that it's more for the visual arts. Since simply marking a piece for critique when submitting it only really helps in the short term (as/when it appears on the front page in that relatively tiny little list at the bottom of the page), and since not a lot of commenting in general seems to happen on the main site I thought perhaps, like me, other writers might find it helpful to have somewhere to post links to their work that they'd like looked at.

So, to start us all off with I'll post this link to the folder of my most active/current project.
https://www.weasyl.com/submissions?userid=22186&folderid=21402

I realize some/most people find critiquing/reviewing a piece of literature difficult, but it doesn't have to be. I personally appreciate any and all feed back; from professional critique/review of grammar and such, to simple things like what someone liked or found most interesting about a piece.

(I really hope I'm not over stepping my bounds by starting this; I just thought others might find it helpful if, like me, they're not getting feedback)

MapleTerror
06-07-2013, 07:21 PM
Seems like a good idea to me and it makes things more organized -imo.
I read & scanned a bit of your story "A safe place to call home" chapter 1-

It could use some spacing between paragraphs and punctuation seems to be a bit off/odd, at least on the first paragraphs. :coffee:

(I'll read the rest later)

Amarune
06-08-2013, 04:00 PM
Thanks for having a look dear.

I actually had the paragraphs spaced when I originally posted the chapters on my DA account, it seems when I saved the file in the TXT format to post on Weasyl it got rid of all the formatting I had, including the extra lines between the paragraphs.

Damian
06-09-2013, 03:58 PM
I'm not good at critiquing stories. I mean, I wouldn't be able to recognize if there's something wrong with grammar unless it's painfully obvious stuff. Anyway, this (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9091937/)is mine.
You dont have to download it as it's in the description

Frank LeRenard
06-09-2013, 11:36 PM
I suppose I can put in a critique, to get things rolling a bit more.

Amarune: So, I read the first chapter. In general it's not too bad. There are a few small stylistic things you might check for in the future (lots of repeat words and phrases in close proximity; the word 'food' is overused in the first paragraph, for example), and your punctuation is often a little strange (maybe brush up on proper comma usage). I think the one main thing that's holding it back is the pacing, and the general structure.

What I mean by this is that while reading it, it began to feel more and more like a list of things that happen. The first paragraph is fine; you introduce the main character, his situation, the hardship he's going through, and give us a reason to care (it might be a little cheap, but hey... no one's judging). After that, though, it quickly just becomes "Event A, Event B, Event C, Event D, etc." His parents take him to the park. They go to get ice cream. He waits for them. He tries going home. He gets home, and sees new people moving in to his house. He hangs around and steals thing. Seasons change, so he steals other things. And so on and so forth.

This would normally be fine... it is a story after all, but what makes it a little problematic is that you left the characterization stuff behind after the first paragraph was finished. Aside from the descriptions of what he does and why, you give us little connection to the main character. It makes him seem incredibly methodical, far too methodical and logical for a lost young boy in such a mysterious and dire situation. We need to see some of that, or we'll get pretty bored pretty quickly. You know? I like how when he's first abandoned he feels like it's his fault; maybe later on, have him change that around and get angry at his parents for leaving him. Have him show a little sadness, or give us a little situation that garners us some sympathy for him. He ought to be making some mistakes; maybe he shouldn't have the foresight to get warmer clothing as winter approaches, because he's thinking about something else? Maybe at some point while he's raiding his old house he runs into one of the new children? This can help foster a little conflict, a little conversation, and so on. These things can go a really long way in creating a character for the audience. And since this is clearly a character-driven story, you really want that.


Hope that helps, and happy writing.

Amarune
06-11-2013, 07:43 AM
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful, or it will be during the editing and rewriting stages. ^_^

I've never been real great with punctuation and grammar, but looking at it again I think I see what you mean by words being over used and the misuse of commas.

The pacing of the chapter was actually on purpose, though I guess even for what I was looking for it is too fast. It's supposed to be how the character remembers things happening, and I had planned to expand on and correct these memories as the story progressed by having him remember things he'd suppressed, like the times things did/almost did go wrong for him and the times he'd gotten really sick. The first two chapters were planned more just for introducing the two main characters and set the stage for the actual conflicts that are yet to come.

Tybby
06-13-2013, 07:36 PM
Actually never mind who cares top lol